Why guys don’t listen and women do?
This question came in and it made me giggle. For in my experience it’s not that woman listen and men don’t, it’s that the WAY we communicate creates the results of the other listening or tuning out.
Communication is two parts… first the person has a communication, they say it. The second part is that it’s received, understood, not necessarily agreed with, just understood.
Thus if the first person communicates in a way the other can’t hear, communication fails! Do we nag? Do we force? Do we leave something out? Do we go on and on and on? Do we not even speak loud enough or connect with them eye to eye? Can we take total responsibility that it’s our job to get our communication across? Sometimes people just can’t hear us, they’re tired, pissed off or triggered by us and they shut down or shut off… yet we keep pushing and wondering why it’s not working. In fact one of my mentors told me if I KNOW someone can’t hear my communication, and yet I try to tell them anyways, and they end up judging me… that was an abuse act upon myself! I KNEW they couldn’t be with it… so instead ask What else is possible to create what I choose? Who else can I talk to?
Second as the listener, are you really listening? Are you pretending? Do you really not give a shit? Are you placating the person? Are you so filled with fear or judgment that you can’t simply take in their communication without judgment… you have to defend, justify, argue or shut off having your answer ready before they even complete? Would you be willing to tell the truth? Would you be willing to say I’d love to hear you, yet let me finish this up and then I’ll be completely present with you. Or I find myself checking out when we talk, is there a way you can give me the request in a shorter way so I can let you know if I can support you? Or please don’t speak to me in that tone of voice, it scares me and I’d like to feel safe and honored and connected to you.
While there is a stereotype with men having less ‘words’ then women… in my practice I’ve experienced just the opposite. And in the cases of the more verbose person… they seem to have a need to be safe first and all the talk is dancing around a core need, issue or request they’d really like to have met. Just quiet down a moment, go within, what do you really want to say? When the reasons and justifications and agenda’s drop away, it’s glorious how pure, connected, intimate and fulfilling communication can be.
And of course that intimate relationship with another is based on the intimate relationship you have with YOU! Do you take the time to listen to you? Vulnerably? Without judgment? With kindness? And celebration for magnificent you?
So next time you’re with someone you love, see your communication as a gift to contribute to them in a way that delights them, and your listening as a safe sanctuary of gratitude for them… and see if anything shifts. And if you have ‘stuff’ in the way of that being possible, have a third party, a guide like myself, help clear away the blocks so that when you reconnect with your loved one… it’s smooth sailing into worlds of greater possibility than you ever imagined possible.>