Archive for good men project

The Affair…What Happens After the Truth Comes Out?

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I have coached men and women for 17 yrs. And yet I don’t coach friends ever. Unsolicited advice just doesn’t work. Yet when a close friend revealed that every time she tried to talk to her husband about his affair, they got into a huge fight. So I encouraged her to write him a poem…

What she wrote took my breath away. It’s filled with a lot of anger. I’d say it’s even bordering on emasculation, which I’m totally against. And yet here’s the wild thing.

It worked.

He had cheated on her. Kept it secret for a year. Denied it until she proved it. He cried when he read it. He heard. I think the barriers between them were so thick that this was needed to begin again.



Trust violated.

Kicked in the gut, life yanked out of me.

Can’t breathe, I’m in the underworld, I inhale fire.

Lies dissolving my heart like acid on flesh.


Trust is gone, I’ve been dropped… falling… falling…

YOU, my hero, have violated our sacred bond of trust… I feel discarded, like garbage, into the realm of the valueless, has-beens, used, useless….

My spirit dulled from color to black and white, my future from a bright pathway of sunshine and possibilities… to a horrid massive creaking metal door slamming shut my dreams with you.

I trusted you to be a good man, honest and forthright.

I trusted you that even if you were scared, uncomfortable or uncertain, you’d sit in the fire, handle your shit and come to me.

I trusted you to speak up, ask for what you wanted, co create a life that worked for us.

I f’ing bragged about you! How humiliating…

Livid, disgusted, horrified… and now disheartened that you are not as strong as I thought you were, not as bold, courageous, kind or caring as I thought you were… like finding out OZ from behind the curtain, or seeing a noble fireman rescue a cat from a tree, only to see him kick a dog to the curb as he leaves…

You were my whole life, we were a team.

You buoyed me up, the banks of my river, the pole to my flag, the arms around me so I would never fall, the belief that come what may, you’d be there… and you’ve lied, broken trust and even cheated… you have let me down, my heart, my soul. How could you?

How could I be so stupid to live in hope and fantasy and not see the reality of you? Perhaps I loved your potential, who you could be, but who you aren’t. Perhaps I lived in avoidance and unwillingness to trust my instincts.

What’s miraculous is that through all this pain, I’ve cried and fumed, yet deepened my Self Love,  forgiven myself where I was in denial and strengthened my trust in my feminine intuition.

Can I ever trust you again? I don’t know. I have forgiven, yet I have not forgotten.

You haven’t stepped up.

Breaking trust is unacceptable.

Saying sorry isn’t enough.

Making it better through your own development as a man is the only possibility.

Making it better by me learning how I was a part of creating this, too.

I release all judgment, I let the past go.

I bask in the pure awareness of what I’m worth and what’s possible.

I welcome the growth required for us to begin again.

The choice is yours.

Am I Getting the Brush-off?

A favorite from my Good Men Project series:

Q: I have been dating a great girl lately but she has been working late and she has not been returning my texts. When she does return my text she says she just got them but I know she carries her phone on her all the time. Is she giving me the brush off? What did I do wrong?

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Threatened by My Father-in-Law

Q: I get it but enough is enough!  My father-in-law is a nice enough man, but every once drops a few subtle threats about what would happen if I hurt his daugther. We’ve been married for 10 yrs!

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Don’t Want to Hide My Friends

Q: Before I was married, all of my friends were male.  I don’t know – I just connect with the better.  That is how my husband and I met.  Now that we are married, he has an issue with my guy friends. His point of view – as long as he doesn’t know they exist, I can have them in my life. That just doesn’t seem right to me. I try to honor him by making sure all my friends are female but I don’t know if he is in the wrong telling me to hide it or if I should be ashamed for considering male friends?

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Love My Kids, Hate My Wife

Q: Allana, I would do absolutely anything for my children but I hate my wife.  I only married her because she was pregnant and stayed so that my children would have both parents.  I don’t want to be unfaithful because I don’t want to risk losing my girls.

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She Makes Everything a Priority, Except Me

Q: My wife doesn’t make me a priority.  I pick fights just so he knows I still exist! How can I show her that I am just as important as everything else in her life?

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