June 5, 2017 |

Girlfriend Constantly Late

Related Tags: good-men-project


Question: My girlfriend is such a poor planner and is always late to everything but gets angry when she feels rushed. I have tried to explain to her that it is about respecting people’s time but she says I am talking to her like a child and people just need to be patient. Do you have a better approach to helping her understand it is a mutual respect of courtesy?

Answer: I don’t know if you’ve experience this but when I know I’m falling short in some area of my life, and someone points it out to me, it’s pretty hard not to get defensive, yes?

I’m in complete agreement that being late is disrespectful of other people’s time. And I can imagine that your communications indeed might make her feel like a child and make her blame you or others for needing to be more patient.

It’s almost as if both of you could choose to put down your weapons and open your hearts and talk about what’s underneath the issue.

Somebody who’s a poor planner and it’s always late was probably dominated by others and feels a sense of control by doing things on their own timeline… And they also might feel very scared or spinning or even terrified on the inside so that they can’t make centered, grounded, certain decisions.

I sense some sort of trauma happened or overly dominant parenting happened that’s made her react and get defensive in this way and blame you and others… If you could have tremendous compassion and be curious that perhaps underneath getting angry and feeling rushed, she might feel out of control, not good enough or grasping for safety and trust in an uncertain world.

I’m not sure how much personal growth work she’s done but she might have no idea why she’s a poor planner and perpetually late… She might not have the capacity to experience empathy for how others feel because she’s feeling so out of control herself.

She doesn’t sound evil, simply at the core, scared. And while I completely 100% definitely totally understand your frustration because indeed it is disrespectful of others time and inconsiderate and lacking courtesy not to arrive on time, you are the one reaching out so you are the one I can work with :-)!

If you continue to make her the problem, I’m not sure how she will ever feel on equal ground with you.

Yet if you take this on as a partnership growth opportunity where she could get underneath what’s making her be late… And you could get underneath what’s making you frustrated… The two of you together might have a breakthrough.

It’s super hard to see our blind spots which is why I have a coach myself, and any I am so grateful to have a thriving practice with many couples that I’m able to help dissolve conflict and bring back that soul shaking conscious connection 🙂

Things haven’t shifted into flow and peace and I honor that you’ve done your best. I encourage you to apply for a complementary strategy session at There’s nothing to be ashamed of eating healthy and continuing to eat healthy. There’s nothing to be ashamed of going to the gym and continuing to work out. That’s there’s nothing to be ashamed of for getting support and counseling to have glory to greater glory in your personal relationships 🙂

I’m sure she’s chosen you because she trusts you… And you could be the catalyst for her greatest transformation, as well as yours 🙂 I look forward to hearing from you both.

Great love and respect, Allana

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