April 29, 2019 |

Using Kids and Animals to Fill a Void in Your Life?

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Question: My wife is an incredible woman but she is constantly taking in "strays". First it was everyone's kids, now it is everyone's pets. I love her, I really do but at some point, I would really like it to be just the two of us instead of us +1. What void is she trying to fill by consistently opening our house to everyone?

Answer: I can only imagine how frustrating it must be over time for your incredible wife to be taking in everyone's kids and pets...especially if she didn't okay it with you, especially if it makes you feel less important, especially if you feel there is something missing like a void that she's trying to fill.

First, you may be absolutely accurate that she's trying to fill a void, yet I recommend you don't go into therapy mode focusing on what's wrong with her as that tends to make people get defensive, take things personally, feel inferior or dig their heels in with their behavior even more.Instead a healthy curiosity opens communication and allows for the deeper truth to be revealed.

Even before that I recommend getting clear on how all of this makes YOU feel under the frustration.I'm not sure what has led to this behavior... Did you two perhaps try to have a child and it didn't work out? Are you empty nesters? Heaven forbid did you lose a beloved child?She's clearly doing this because it brings her joy and fulfillment on some level yet if you intuit that there's also a void she's trying to fill... then have you looked at what the two of you provide one another in the marriage?

Does she require more physical touch but you don't really like that?

Does she require more verbal validation but you're kind of the strong silent type?

If you'd be willing to go deeper within yourself and then vulnerably transparently bring your truth to her, I bet she would be more willing to let you in to what's really going on in her heart.

Nonetheless most clients come to me once crap has hit the fan, once a pattern has been going on so long destructively that compassion is out the window and both parties are sad and mad or more. As a result they require a series of couples coaching sessions in order to actually feel validated and acknowledged enough to put down their spears and shields, open their heart and really hear the other.

There's nothing wrong with conflict... it's just that we want to harness the challenge FOR the marriage, not against it.After 18 yrs of counseling, I find the what most people deeply yearn for is to be seen and understood by their beloved. Sure we'd like to be approved of an appreciated and agreed with... Yet at the end of the day really what we desire is to be deeply heard for our truth, in a non-judgmental sanctuary of allowance.

This is what I provide my clients and the breakthroughs are nothing short of breathtaking.So once you give it a go with my advice... let me know how it goes! If it's smooth sailing and there's less animals and more connection for the two of you... Phenomenal!

If it doesn't go as well as you'd like or she doesn't receive your communication in a way that contributes positively to your relationship... I encourage you to reach out and register for a $97 discounted introductory strategy session with me on Zoom. You can register at today.

It is the utmost privilege and honor to hold such non-judgmental unconditionally loving space for the highest transformation and resolution for my clients... so that they can create even deeper, more fulfilling intimate thriving relationships.

All my love, Allana XOX

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