Hindsight: What I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married
As an Intimacy Expert for the past 18 yrs AND as a real-life twice divorced woman, many have asked me if I knew now what I knew then, would I have still gotten married? Short answer, yes. Long answer, I learned several things by being married, those lessons I would not trade:
HE’S NOT GOING TO HEAL YOUR DADDY WOUNDS: I was in my early 20’s, insecure, impressionable. He was in his early 30’s, tall dark and handsome, multimillionaire. He chose me. I thought I would never do ‘better’. Yet I hid in the closet to meditate cuz he thought that was ‘weird’. I was looking for Daddy’s love, security and attention. No regrets because of all I learned. Yet I tell my clients heal their inner wounds FIRST and you’ll make a mature, grounded and aware choice in a partner.
DON’T GET MARRIED WHEN YOUR MOM IS DYING: I was jaded from the first marriage. Fairytale Disneyland love is bullshit. I just need someone with a checkbook, pulse and working sperm. My heart was so closed in terror of losing my mom to cancer that I was grasping for anything on the outside to make the pain on the inside go away. Got pregnant right away. Divorced within a year. Single motherless mom. Not fun. Again, no regrets because of all I learned, yet I tell my clients to live from an open heart where they can hear their wisdom and act with courage.
CUSTODY BATTLES ARE A REAL POSSIBILITY: I ended up choosing a 2nd husband whose heart was wounded (just like mine) and his way of moving forward to get revenge on me ‘breaking my word to stay with him until death do us part and humiliating him by divorcing him’ has been a decade long custody battle. I’ve lost my home, savings and I’ve almost paid off my $255K legal debt. And while I’ve done my best to be a vibrant, honest, bold, spiritually grounded mom… my 14 yr old son is now living full time with his Dad. My greatest fear came true. He’d win taking him away from me.
While this TOO is another step on my spiritual journey of forgiveness, compassion, trust and self love… I tell my clients to remember that divorce doesn’t necessarily make the issues with the ex go away. It can exacerbate them! So choose wisely 😉 And even if things do get worse with court… you WILL be able to find your voice, be stronger, honor your truth and live with your heart open no matter the circumstances. Your kids will always remember that.
