June 21, 2019 |

Grieving Before a Death

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My mother is really sick and while I am coping with the potential of losing her, I find myself pulling away from others. She has only been given a few more weeks and each day is agony and a reminder that eventually, losing people will be the norm. Is there a better way of accepting this than shutting everyone out?

Answer: I am so sorry for what you're going through, it must be so painful. I hear you that you are pulling away from others yet I'm wondering if you're actually honoring yourself.

A lot of people don't know what to say or do around death. It makes them weird and they often say stupid things that make us feel even worse. Other people are phenomenal and they don't try to change or fix us. They’re simply great listeners. I'm wondering if you're simply pulling away from the people who can't be with you during your loss?

The other side of the coin is that indeed maybe you can't be with your feelings so you don't want to risk being vulnerable in front of people, or you don't know how to ask for help, or you don't like to be out of control, or you don’t want to start feeling and cry… and not be able to stop. Which feels more true to you? Or a bit of both?

During super intense times I always recommend somebody have a coach or phenomenal therapist. You need more than somebody just to listen to you, you need someone to help you integrate the uncomfortable emotions so they don't get stuck or pushed down. Many people just get busy and stuff them away… many of my clients are grieving the loss of their parent over a decade ago… triggered by the loss of a romantic relationship.

My experience is that simple talk therapy might provide relief but not healing and integration. The work I do integrates sadness loss and grief into presence peace and Stillness. Death is intense, and yet it is also beautiful. Not just as a thought… but as an embodiment of truth that lives in your heart. That’s what you deserve love :-)

I would give yourself a break and not force yourself to be with people that can't be nourishing with you given your raw state... and yet truly ask yourself of your friends, who IS a good listener, who doesn't try to change how your feeling… set up a coffee date or a walk in the park with them now. Be brave.

Lastly, while l it's true as we get older that it seems that losing people will be the norm... the truth is people are born and people die every day, and that being able to embrace death allows us to live more fully.

It inspires us to live our dreams and speak Our Truth. And it allows us to be present with those who are about to cross over. If I can be of support, it would be my privilege :-) Huge love, Allana xox

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