My Boyfriend Just Shuts Down During Fights

You asked Allana:  When my boyfriend and I have problems, he just shuts down. He wants for it to blow over. How can I get him to communicate?

What I have found in the people that I attract as coaching clients is that they tend to have big hearts. They are very kinesthetic, they feel things so deeply, which is awesome because they have the capacity to love deeply and have intimate profound relationships and really let the deliciousness of being in our bodies really come alive.

The other side of it is that when we hurt, we really hurt. It hurts a little more than what other people may experience. It may take a little longer to bounce back than other people when we haven’t developed certain capacities to navigate this.

What I would say to you is give him space. Image what is it going to feel like if someone is coming after you and pushing? He is going to defend even more. As you give him space, don’t judge him for it because he is going to feel it and sense it, and he is not going to talk to you. Your job as you give him space and don’t judge him is to feel and breathe. You have every right to be frustrated, pissed-off, hurt – all of this is totally normal. Just remember to breathe. The suppressing of this feeling just sticks in a place and you get nowhere. And now that this is a pattern, you probably have quite a few layers that you have stuffed down. So my request is that you just breathe and feel.

What happens when we actually sit in the fire and just breathe, the energy begins to shift, to dissipate, to be released and you can rest in your body again. You can come home to yourself again. You can be connected to the whole universe and your intuition and your knowing, if you are willing to go through this. I am not saying that it is easy or fun. It’s not but it is just temporary, it is not forever. The resisting, that is suffering. The pain of feeling it – that is intense. On the other side, you are going to find, I assert some wisdom and insight into why that fight happened. Something he might be missing, something you might be missing. Something you could actually have a good conversation about.

Step three, is to communicate from this place of non-judgment. To communicate from this place that you have returned to love for him, for you, for life. Then when you address him, let it be in a sandwich – “I love you. I care about us. I am committed that we have an amazing relationship.” First piece of bread. In the center – “I noticed maybe I was a controlling and pushy” OR “Maybe I wasn’t appreciating you.” Whatever insight you have in your moment of kindness. Or maybe you miss him or maybe you just want more time together. You are going to have some insight so share it as an invitation. Put the bread on the end – “I would love to hear how I can be a better girlfriend for you. Let you know how much I appreciate you. How I can make our relationships even better.” So when you have that type of conversation and you are not coming at him, where the only thing he can do is be defensive, it is an invitation to reconnect into oneness, intimate connection, and conversation.


I look forward to a great breakthrough for you. If you have any difficulty with that whatsoever, you are not alone. What I am asking you to do is tough. So if you like to book a strategy sessions, for me to hold space for the two of you, or even just for me to help you feel through all the discomfort so you can rest in peace and hear your own intuition, I would love that – We can have an incredible, transformative time together. Just you and I or as a couple. I am here for you and I believe in you.

All my love,

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