Secrets to Sensual Motherhood Revealed by LA Mom
When I was a little girl I dreamed of being the Sugar Plum Fairy! I would go to my ballet classes with the perfect little dance outfit (my fav were my pink tights w/a black leotard) and my hair all done up in a perfect bun – oh, my poor mom! Every Christmas, we would go see the Nutcracker, and one year, I got to go backstage to meet the Fairy! I was so excited, I still remember thinking it was going to be a dream come true. I stood in line to get her autograph, and then reality hit – her toes were bleeding, her face was caked with make-up, she was not friendly and didn’t say or word or look me in the eyes. I was so confused! This certainly wasn’t my dream moment.
Another time I remember is when my Mom took me to see a jazz band pianist. I was begging her to let me quit the piano lessons I was taking at the Royal Conservatory of Music. I relented and went to see this man my Mom thought would convince to keep playing. I took to the stage, and he asked me to play for him, so I played something I had played a million times before – I went on auto-pilot mode. All of a sudden this man said “Stop! I asked you to play something! “ I was playing but that wasn’t what he meant. He wanted me to play from my heart. I was paralyzed and couldn’t do it. I ran out of there in tears, so confused and ashamed and having no idea who I really was.
In my late twenties I got a tiny bit of courage and joined a free movement dance class. I said a little bit of courage because at that first class, I hid in the corner, closed my eyes and willed myself to disappear. I was afraid to be free, embarrassed to let anyone see my let go, and also afraid to watch others revel in their freedom. But it’s all different now, I have real courage, have attended loads of other classes and now I let the radiance within me flow out for everyone to see – what a difference a few years has made.
What made the difference? I liken it to a rebirth. Out of some bad and some good things that happened in my life, a new person emerged. I experienced the death of my Mom and the birth of my son and like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, I became free. All of those years of fear and playing it safe faded away. I jumped into uncharted waters and decided to not only live my life but to THRIVE!
Yes, I still have fear but I’ve learned how to deal with it. Now when I get scared I find an adventure; whether it’s hopping on a plane and flying to Thailand, jumping in the car and letting the road lead me new discoveries, or taking up a hobby and learning something completely new. I allow myself to surrender and attract my destiny and MOVE.
Moving is what I’ve found to be essential to keep my energy flowing. I dance daily and MOVE. I even find myself swaying when I meditate, or rocking my hips while I do the dishes or set the table. And it’s not just physical movement; I let my spirit move me too. I allow myself to connect with those I love by opening my chest and breathing through my heart. I’ve finally let go of the permanent Kegal in my vagina. I allow my body to respond with stirs and warmth or shrinking and a stomach ache – it’s all guidance to direct my truth.
This has always been in my body. It’s in yours too. Let the ocean in you surge, writhe, sway, ripple. The answers, the joy, the peace, it’s all there. I had no idea.
Regular movement alone is one thing. Moving with others requires a whole new level of courage. I was always terrified of purely connecting with others. When I was a little girl, I remember my Dad punching a hole in the wall and how that made me feel. That feeling stayed with me when I had to kiss him goodnight and didn’t want to. As a little girl I knew I couldn’t trust him that he was unsafe and I had to be alert. As an adult I know now that he was drunk and stoned. That little girls feeling stayed with me so I learned to keep my walls up, disconnect from others and protect myself. I thought maybe women were safer.
One day my girlfriend and I stumbled upon her father’s girlie magazines. Our budding sexual curiosity had us go through the pages of naked men and women and kindled primal feelings. We ended up touching each other freely, only to be discovered by her very angry mother. Another moment of shame. Another suppression of movement and connection. Something had to be horribly wrong with me.
It took time and courage for me to reconnect with my truth and then connect again with women. I was so afraid to appreciate my sensuality, express my passions and honor my urges. I really wanted a sisterhood with other women. During my 20’s I was basically a people-pleaser and forced myself to open up like a flower opening to the sun. In my 30’s I was more like night jasmine, truly wanting to open to the moon, my depth, and my primal natural yearnings.
This whole process has been painful but also very healing. I’ve healed myself and my relationships. I’ve healed the past with my Dad, my son’s father, with women who I now see as sisters, and even with an early stage cancer.
The beauty of this process is that I feel in my bones that there is really no goal. All the books and sages say it, but I was truly living to be happy when….. I am beginning to master the process of alchemizing wounds into magic over and over, never getting anywhere, simply experiencing the rhythmic cycles of sorrow and bliss for their own sake. I choose life as a journey, ritually celebrating triumphs and tragedies.
My experience of “how” to move energy and my body, “how” to connect with my truth, with other women and men, is through asking. Asking for help with the kids. Asking for to meet with my mom friends. Asking for the perfect book to drop in my lap. Asking for a sacred home and community. Asking for the key to fitting exercise into my schedule. Asking for guidance from wise auntie’s and mentors. Asking for like-minded souls to grace my path. Asking for a deep impeccably present life partner who’s committed to my radiance and full expression of love. Asking for the courage to be grateful and open and deserving of my dream before it’s manifested.
I learned to ask and be open to something beyond my dreams. I had to be willing to ask and be disappointed. Even when I was afraid to hear the truth, I still had to ask. When I was faced with times that I didn’t know how to go on, I had to ask. I learned to ask my mom in heaven and not worry about bothering her. I learned to ask God, my Lady, the Universe, all that is. I learned to feel connected, guided; full of faith, grateful and in awe of this miraculous experience of life.
Move. Connect. Ask.
Trust you’ll know when to reach out your hand, hold someone else’s hand, let go and be still. This undulating rhythm is inside us all. Women, we are masters at it. Embrace your beauty, radiate love, bestow your grace.>