Sexually Abused Spouse. How Can I Be Supportive?
Question: My wife suffered from sexual abuse as a child, and while she’s been fine most of our marriage, suddenly she’s developed panic attacks when we make love. How can I help her through this?
Answer: Well, first off, I am so sorry. I’m so sorry that evil sh** happens on this planet. I’m sorry that your wife had to go through that. It also speaks to the strength of who she is. People that go through tough sh** are strong, very strong souls. She’s an amazing woman and I’m glad you married her.
I’m also glad this is happening, well, I’m not glad that she’s having panic attacks, but I’m glad this is happening and I think it’s a good sign that it is happening now in your marriage because for me, when I do deep work, trauma work, the NLP, the hypnotherapy, the healing work that I do with clients that had been molested or raped or had sexual abuse as a child, whether it be female or male, it takes a while for that trauma to come to the surface to be healed, and if that environment is super not safe, it gets super suppressed, quite often in an addictive way. So instead of feeling the feelings, they might be a workaholic or a perfectionist or OCD or sometimes they go the opposite direction and are very promiscuous sexually, but it’s all chosen to numb out the pain.
So when the environment becomes more safe, the feeling that’s ready to be healed, the part of her that’s ready to be healed can come up and be let out. Because this is happening after making love to you and being married for a while, to me, it says that you are safe and she is ready to let this go and heal this so I think it’s a wonderful statement of the connection that you two have, not that you’ve done anything wrong, okay?
So, next, I have a couple ideas. One, I don’t know if you’re aware of Dr. Dane Heire of Access Consciousness, LOVE him! I’ve done all the courses and created a DVD with him. It’s called Your Delicious Body, that’s where you go, yourdeliciousbody.com. It’s a DVD with five different sections, about three hours, I think, of content, and then it’s been all condensed into an MP3 of clearings, and what I mean by clearing is Dr. Dane will read a question, he will elicit the energy and then the clearing statement clears it, and if you could get this for your wife and she could watch the DVD, or you could watch it together, it’s fabulous, it’s all about intimacy and body and body safety and it’s just exactly what we’re talking about, it’s perfect. But then also when she listens to the clearings, the energy that’s coming up can start to be washed away, and she can even listen to it as you sleep on very low so as not to disturb your sleep but it will still go in to the subconscious and I think that would be really supportive for her.
Also, I would totally, completely, 100% say that she coaches with me. I am blessed, humbled, privileged to work with both men and women, either in a weekend intensive fly out to LA, or fly me to where you are as long as it’s not cold in the winter, or in a series of six sessions on the phone or on skype and I’m very proud of the results I’ve created in healing trauma to the core. I mean, one woman skipped out of my house, like you know these little lines I’ve had here? I’ve resisted botox this far, I’ll give in at some point, but you know she had the little lines and little wrinkles women do as they get older, forties, fifties, it was GONE before she left my house. That was not what she came for and it was not what I said I would provide for her, but she was younger, she was free, she was safe in her body. Like what had been holding her down for five decades was gone. So, I do incredible work and it would be a privilege to hold her safe in my sanctuary with my healing capacity to release this trauma, if that is something you’re interested in.
Please call, or please email, that’s better, at email@example.com, let’s set up a call to see if I’m a fit for her, to see if she’s ready and in the mean time I would get the DVD as well, yourdelicousbody.com, and for you in completion of what can you do, one of the most annoying things about men, we love you and we love that you’re our heros, etc., but when you fix without asking like unsolicited advice like going in and fixing things without asking is one of the most annoying things ever. So please continue doing what you’re doing which is making her feel safe and hold back from any trying to fix it yourself and away from your role as husband and lover and into fixer or teacher or something. It’s not your role. You’re doing great with your role. Continue to be that safe hero for her, and guide her as the husband, as the lover, guide her to a place where she can be professionally helped in this domain, and watch how your love making can become even more safe, intimate, connected, because you were the one who held her hand through it all and was there for her and talk about devotion. It would be quite the privilege and honor to connect with her so I look forward to that and I wish you both just all my love. All my love to you.