When your spouse won’t open up to you
Is there tension going on between you and your spouse? Like walking on egg shells, quick fuses, even stressful just to be around one another? And as soon as you start to talk about it, a fight begins almost immediately, layers of “how could you” or “you don’t understand me/hear me”…
This is not a death sentence. And yet it can feel like one. It feels like if you open up, you’ll be annialated. So you attack before you’re attacked. And now your spouse has closed off, they aren’t really listening, they have disconnected and you can feel it, you’re furious yet also terrified.
Relationships aren’t about right wrong, good bad or being fair. Be willing to go first. Apologize for whatever you did or said. Ask how can you make it up to them? Be ready to listen to a lengthy story and just listen, don’t defend, don’t justify, don’t fix, just get them. Just listen without agreeing or disagreeing, just listen with curiosity fascination and care. Don’t be superior or inferior… just aware… not turned off or numb or neutral, totally engaged and aware, yet not taking their opinion or feelings on as yours. Let them totally have their experience. Honor that. Honor you. No hitting below the belt… no allowing abuse… just listen.
When someone is truly listened to, gotten, heard… another layer of connection is possible. Life beyond judgment of self and judgment of other is a whole new reality of intimacy.
Notice if you have the need to rebut, the need to be right, the need to make sure they know how they wronged you… notice if you’ve given away your peace and joy to them agreeing or disagreeing. You can make another choice.
If this is tough (and it is, make no mistake) know that asking for support from a coach like me, to hold safe space, to guide the sharing so it stays above the belt… this is wise if you have reached an impass… yet know it’s possible to get past this, possible to listen without judgment, possible to have the most exquisite mind blowing intimacy imaginable and beyond. I choose that for you. I’m here for you. I adore you. Huge love, Allana ox>