When Couples Fight
Constructive arguments are when both parties remember they’re on the same team with a willingness and commitment to have the outcome be a win win for all, even if things get uncomfortable. Destructive fighting is when both parties are locked into judgment that they believe the other has to lose in order that they win, which leads to manipulation, abuse and betrayal.
In my 15 years of working as a coach I’ve seen the best and the worse styles of arguments come from both men and women. “Below the belt” comments are not gender specific.
Confrontation happens because it’s a survival strategy learned when young. They watched a parent use confrontation to manipulate. People use their size, the volume of their voice, their body, their intellect, their emotions… anything they sense will trigger or push the buttons of the other…
You see, when an individual has done enough internal personal growth work to no longer judge themselves, they no longer judge others and they no longer have ‘buttons’ to push. Confrontation is thus ineffective. There is nothing to take personally. It’s just an interesting fascinating point of view someone has and one can choose not to engage in communication void of respect. Releasing self judgment and thus the capacity to release judgment of others is no small order, yet the key from shifting from confrontation to communication of inquiry, respect, possibility and expansion for the relationship.
I’ve worked with couples where there is a no blaming policy, yet each express how they feel when ‘another’ (rules are that they are not to use the word ‘you’) does or doesn’t do something or say something. The other simply listens with the only response as Thank you which means I heard you, I get it, I understand yet it doesn’t mean I agree or disagree. It’s a tool to help dissolve judgment and just get the world of the other person. Going back and forth simply answering my question of Tell Me Something You Feel Misunderstood About… both partners are required to listen and say Thank you… it’s amazing how quickly anger dissolves into fear or sadness and vulnerable intimacy expands. I hold space and miracles unfold before my eyes as each partner no longer resists or reacts to one another, compassion floods their hearts and solutions drop out of thin air. Everything softens.
What’s beautiful about this form of communication is that comments that would destroy trust or emasculate a heart just don’t happen. Additionally in private sessions, which are required when I work with couples because it’s never about the other person, ever. The other person has been attracted to trigger internal issues and may factually indeed be doing things acting as a catalyst for upset… yet it’s always about ourselves the healing is always internal, coming home to love, forgive, have compassion for and have mercy on ourselves. In fact for me, it’s always about mending our relationship with God, Source, Intelligence, who loves us unconditionally and returns us to pureness with our simple request.
Like Ho’Oponono, Course of Miracles, Access Consciousness or any path that supports you… I believe ultimately that while blaming the other is a more predominant choice in low quality reality TV… it’s just that… dysfunctional low grade entertainment… the higher truth is that relationships are about our relationship with Self, which is another way of saying our relationship with Source.
Never say YOU when speaking with your partner… instead try “I feel scared and insecure when another doesn’t call when they are late.” Never blame the other for how you feel or you’ll be a victim giving away your power your whole life. Take 100% responsibility for your own feelings, how you chose to be a part of the dynamic and ask yourself a great question I love from Access which is What must I perceive, know, be and receive to allow ease with ‘x’ now and in the future? Don’t brainstorm about it… just ask and go for a walk, make dinner, let go.. keep asking and notice how an insight, solution or guidance into who YOU are being will emerge… for you are the only one you can ever change.
One of the most saddening things I’ve witnessed is the misunderstanding that in order to keep the passion alive, they need to fight, breakup, get together and then repeat. It’s an adrenaline addictive high seeking the next hormonal rush and it’s highly destructive physically, emotionally and spiritually. Peace is far from boring. True peace is bliss and the foundation for incredible intimacy and connection.
I’ve never coached a couple where what they were arguing about was the real issue. A great question to ask is What I’m really afraid to tell you is… ask it over and over again and you’ll be amazed at what you’ll find layer after layer. I have a gift where people are in tears within minutes, as I zone in on the unspoken truth hidden inside them, loving that part of them unconditionally, making it safe for them to reveal what is held like poison inside their hearts, this part of them they are unwilling for anyone to see, especially their partner.
I believe all relationships are opportunities to free ourselves of self limiting constructs that hold us back from our true expression, so who better to come clean with and show up with that the person you fell in love with? And if once revealing the truth of who you are to yourself and your partner, you are no longer a match, then you can always be grateful that they were the catalyst for you to know YOU… and the spring board from which you soar into the next phase of your delicious journey of life. How does it get any better than that?
For men who want to learn more, go to www.GetHerToSayYes.com for my free report and video series.
For women who want to learn more, go to www.AllanaPratt.com/tips for my free audio series.>