7 Signs of Trouble in a Relationship
With the situation with Kristin Stewart’s recent affair… here are 7 signs of your relationship going south…
1. Working late, missing date nights:
Sure we all have project deadlines, yet when your partner is choosing to work late continually, missing date nights, excuses to be with you is always work… they’re avoiding something, perhaps shame that they can’t make enough money, perhaps anger that they don’t feel appreciated, perhaps insecurity that work is the only place they feel valued.
2. No more eye contact when communicating:
Healthy relationships are intimate, they connect, and they allow themselves to be seen, heard, and gotten. When your partner can’t look you in the eye anymore, something is off. Make time to sit down and in a safe, welcoming, non-judgmental way, just BE with each other, share with no objections or feedback, just listen and reconnect.
3. More attention to kids, friends, Facebook, porn:
We all need time IN and AWAY from our primary relationship, yet if it sways to AWAY with a marked difference in time with the kids, friends, Facebook or even porn… something’s missing in the relationship that the other is trying to get elsewhere, vs. turning toward your partner, feeling the discomfort, yet communicating your needs and creating a solution.
4. Wandering eyes:
While it’s natural to appreciate beautiful people, a marked increase in wandering eyes, or gawking mixed with flirting shows that they are seeking approval, connection and validation from someone other than you, perhaps a passive aggressive move about a fight you had, certainly a need for validation they’re seeking.
5. Blowing up, threats of leaving:
When all you seem to do is fight, clearly you’re in trouble. Yet when I counsel couples, I can quickly get to the issue underlying the anger. Anger is unfortunately a form of attention, yet of course not the core need each partner has to be seen, heard, valued, and understood. If you can find the core unmet need that’s triggering the fights, you have a chance now at getting creative to take full responsibility to change what you can, knowing you can’t control the other EVER, and you can start moving back toward a healthy connection of respect, honor and love.
6. Hiding, withdrawing:
Instead of blowing up, others hide or withdraw. Ostrich’s head in the sand syndrome unfortunately doesn’t solve anything, and always makes things worse. What you resist persists and over time grows so if your partner has withdrawn, consider you have potentially not made it safe to speak their truth without debating or defending. The help of a coach is great with this, yet set a time to talk with rules of no interrupting or defending and just hear one another’s point of view. Then let it be for a day while you process. And if you are the one hiding, know you are more courageous than you think, step up and express your truth and create what you want.
7. Thoughts of divorce:
If you are thinking of divorce all day, the escape, the answer, the solution to your hell… this certainly means your relationship is shaky. Now if it’s abusive, get out. Yet if you have a pattern of leaving when things get tough, consider this is an opportunity not to get defensive (which is actually YOUR insecurity), to sit in the fire, to BE with discomfort and to see what’s possible to heal and shift this relationship. It’s a great time to ask for help and give it all you’ve got before you choose to bless and release one another, especially when you have kids. One lie so many of my clients believe is that relationships are supposed to be perfect or they’re wrong. NO! Relationships are there to shine the many facets of you- the diamond- and yes, it can be uncomfortable, vulnerable and uncertain at times… yet you CAN get through this to an even deeper place of connection and intimacy.>