Mom’s it’s Time to Rediscover Your Sexy, Soulful Side
For Mom’s guilt is as ubiquitous as dirty diapers and way, way dirtier! Do you feel guilty when you take “me time?” Are you afraid that if you don’t get everything done on your list your life will break down and be a chaotic mess? Are you afraid to be sexy, because your friends may not approve? I’ve felt all of this and more, and to be honest I still do, but I made a decision – I will not let guilt run my life. I will be sexy, sensual and satisfied and to heck with everything else!
I’m writing this blog to share with you more of more journey in the hopes that you will learn from my lessons and realize that no matter what obstacles you may face you can be a sexy, sensual and soulful woman.
I know, there isn’t always a perfect time to get pregnant, but I have to tell you, there couldn’t have been a worse time for me. My Mom had passed away a week earlier so I was still grieving, and this just added to it, I kept thinking how much she would’ve loved to share in the excitement. And to say my marriage was rocky is an understatement. So when I discovered I was pregnant, I was of course happy but also mad and sad and so confused.
You see my husband wasn’t very supportive and when it was time to give birth it wasn’t my husband I was clinging to, but rather my girlfriend. My husband stood behind me – is that a metaphor or what?! Then the day after what should’ve been the best day in my life, my husband decided to quit his job! What??!!! I completely lost it. I was so overwhelmed, so upset and felt like a total failure. How would we manage? I wasn’t getting any type of support – financially and more importantly emotionally. Every day was a struggle. I cried and cried and wasn’t reveling in the joy of the gift that was my son. Then, one day looking down at my beautiful newborn, feeling like a failure and sorry for my son, I saw his unconditional love. It hit me all at once and that very day I stopped living the lie. I ended my marriage.
Boy was I scared. Single motherhood triggered many fears. I battled so many of my old patterns and fears. Some days I would wish someone would save me, or I would push everyone away especially men. Then I would be so concerned about what people were thinking of me that I tried to please everyone, or worse – turn into a controlling bitch to get things to go my way. Ugh! I couldn’t find my sanity, wasn’t checking in with myself and time just moved on without me being in the moment.
You see, no one taught me that I am a precious ecosystem that needs nurturing. No one taught me to feel feelings and let them guide me, instead of indulging in them and acting like a drama queen. No one taught me how to surrender and trust my intuition, trust the universe, spirit, angels guiding my every move. It felt like I had jumped off a cliff into the unknown. But, by trial and error I learned. I created boundaries, I discovered the importance of me time, and I was moving forward.
Slowly I began to re-discover my girlfriends, my fashion, my faith, and my dreams. I forgave myself and made amends with the father. I took dance movement and erotic dance classes, I performed the Dangerous Beauty monologue in an acting class, and I went to church and signed up for Match.com.
Like a seed that is growing but we can’t see it until it peaks through the soil, one day I woke up and suddenly, I trusted the universe. I felt beautiful again, but from the inside out.
Now I dance on the coffee table with my son. I have energy and openness to be ravished by my man. I don’t feel envy or competition with other women because I love myself for exactly who I am right now.
What a journey! I learned that there’s really nowhere to go but back home to myself. There’s really nothing to do but be me.
Surrender. All is well. Life is good. And so it is.