Feeling Sexy When We're Lonely
There are two kinds of lonely that I’ve experienced.
Empty lonely is when you spin in your head, can’t stop thinking about him/her, can’t eat, feel in despair, can’t seem to find a reason to be happy, convinced no one will ever love you again, question yourself about what you did wrong, run scenes over and over in your head of how you could have done things differently…all so you wouldn’t be lonely right now! Complete resistance to what is. Turning to drugs, drinking, shopping, overworking, one nighters, ANYTHING to make this bottomless pit of loneliness go away.
Not very sexy. We come across needy, clingy, labled as low self esteem, get defensive easily and are huge people pleasers.
This was me to a “T” for years until the pain was so bad I looked for another way.
What I discovered was that this kind of lonely was ‘fed’ by looking outside myself to fill the Void in my heart. And it didn’t work, seeking outside made things worse. Frankly I didn’t know what else to do. People said love yourself from the inside but I didn’t get how to do that so I spun in my head MORE, making me feel worse so I just stopped it all.
I’ll just do nothing. I honestly thought what’s the point of living then? I had never tasted such despair. The dark night of the soul is just like that. Worse than anything (which is why I absolutely love to hold someone’s hand going through it as a coach, I can’t fix or change or heal anything, I just love them in the darkness, and my Faith helps reveal the light because I KNOW there is light at the end of it all)
I can’t say the exact moment where I knew there was Light on the inside, Love on the inside. It was a series of moments of Grace through various workshops, meditation retreats, sacred dance classes, end of a yoga workshop and even playing with my son when a tenderness beyond description has descended upon me. It’s like my edges dissolved.
ahhh… I”m crying as I write this in such humble gratitude for these moments…
Yes, it feels like an amoeba like invisible presence enters my body, my cells, through to eternity inside and transports me into bliss. Not like an orgasm, that’s honestly nothing compared to this and I love orgasms.
It’s Grace in action in my body.
I feel Home.
I know I’m not alone.
It’s not found in this world, you can’t buy it or even make it happen.
It seems to come if I’ve prepared the space, opened, truly prayed, yearned authentically and it most definetly has to do with taking time for me, loving me, nurturing me.
I’ve never ever felt that horrible despair again for I know who I truly am.
Even though I’d prefer a hunky man in my bed tonight, in my aloneness I’m not lonely.
I yearn, I dream, I visualize, I sometimes even have an ache for him… yet I”m not empty and thus I’m radiant, alive and in my estimation sexy. Authentic expression is sexy. Truth is sexy. Being real is sexy. Touching and knowing our core is Divine.
Thank you God, Goddess, All that Is for gifting me with your Grace to keep me going, to sustain me, to fill me so as to give to others and love them as they too awaken.
Blessings, deliciously yours, Allana>