Dealing with Loss: When the Wind Gets Kicked Out of You
The first time I experienced loss was when a Carlene came over. Well she was supposed to come over with James, yet when she arrived at my cabin late that hot summer afternoon, she said very sternly, calmly, as if to convince herself, “James is dead.”
I remember thinking she was kidding as those two were always pulling jokes on me. Her parents stood behind her. James was dead.
I ran down first to my mom, all in a shocked haze. Then bolted up the stairs running along the highway, screaming at the top of my lungs to the tops of the magnificent pine trees “Nooooo!” I kept running and screaming “Noooo!” I remember cars screeching, I could hear Carlene explaining there’s been a death… And then as if from a movie, in a soft hue haze, my dad walking down the yellow line of the highway toward me. He kind of limped like Terry Fox for my dad had a hip replacement.
He took my shoulders firmly, with a slight shake to get me back in my body. “If this is it,” he said, “let’s get off. You will see him again.”
We returned to the cabin, he poured me and Carlene some Cooler (I was 16). To take the edge off, I suppose.
They eventually left, and from that moment on it was hard to be with Carlene. She now represented the pain of loss to me.
That night I went biking with my friends from the cabin community, and as we drove home through the forest and came down upon a clearing from which to see the lake’s edge, on a completely blue sky clear evening there was, no shit, a rainbow ending directly at my cabin.
I just knew he was okay. His mom had died just 10 months before. He was with her now.
I decided I could have either NEVER known him and not be experiencing all this pain. Or KNOWN him, loved him, experienced life with him and be experiencing this pain.
Not a question.
That moment was a catalyst for me to hop on Uncle Phil’s semi and leave my small home town for Hollywood, Tokyo, NYC, now Pasadena and who knows where next!
So my friends, loss.
I’ve since lost my mother, my home, two marriages, many job opportunities… And it still comes down to CHOICE.
I will not live a mediocre numbed out existence. Not for me.
And while I’m not a crazy insane risk taker, I will take calculated risks, for I KNOW I can live through pain, learn, grow and thrive.
I still want to give up at times.
I still hide in bed at times.
I still want to know everything will be perfect before even trying.
Yet hiding, giving up or being controlling extinguishes possibility, drowns delight and annihilates inspiration.
You are way stronger than you think you are.
I’m with you.
I am here for you.
Should you need a space holder coach to support you through to other side, it’s my honor.
Let the loss lift you to your next glorious step on your journey.
Know I believe in you.
P.S. – Contact me to schedule a time for us to connect. You never ever have to go anything alone.>