Question: Do you have any idea why a man would start instant messaging strange woman after being in a five year relationship. Said he was “stupid” and wasn’t physical with anybody. I guess you can say I have trust issues.
Answers: Ouch! I am so sorry. Do I have any idea why? Here is what I have learned, first off I am really sorry because that really hurts. If you have trust issues especially, that would hurt and sting even more. So first something about trust and then something about men.
Trust: When we trust, it’s not that we trust someone to be perfect. That sets us up for failure because no one is perfect and you can’t control anybody. That is insanity if we try to control another and put all of our power – making sure they be a certain way to so that we are safe. Instead, find that safety and trust inside you. That safety being that capacity to discern and know that come what may, you’ve got your own back – you can take care of yourself. It takes a lot of pressure off of others, to have to be a certain way, which actually – when it is a kind good person, makes them want to step up and be even better for you and you feel more at peace and home every day. So that’s the trust issue. The how? I have all the books, cds, dvds, and coaching for you – that’s the how. But the what – that is the trust issue.
Now the idea of him texting strange women, what I have learned about coaching a lot men over at least the past five or six years, intensely through private sessions and intensives, and really getting to be that safe place for them, to tell the truth and not be judged and to be loved unconditionally, what I have discovered is that men love women. Men love variety. Men love beauty. Men love all the different flavors of the feminine. Not that you have done anything wrong, but maybe there is the next flavor of your feminine to evolve. Sometimes we get into our groove, maybe there are two or three flavors of the feminine that we are comfortable with – maybe we can say one is the mother or the kind caring tender part of us. Maybe another is the naughty erotic provocateur. Maybe another is like the queen, the self-respect, the confident, has the capacity to run a household, or a business. Maybe you haven’t explored your dork, maybe you haven’t explored your vulnerable, soft side. Maybe there is a part of you, that if you were to do research and discover who these other women were, maybe they all have something in common, a flavor of the feminine that’s in you, you just haven’t let her emerge yet.
So as hard as this is, at first – get really super mad – hit a pillow, play some heavy metal music – get it out of your body. Get pissed. When it is out of your body, drop in and say “Thank you sisters, because you are pointing me in the direction of the next part of me that is ready to emerge.” And see what it is and let her emerge through dance, through coaching sessions, through just a simple awareness and conscious decision to dress like her or learn about that type of woman or watch women who are like that and be like them. There is a lot of ways you can allow, create the condition for this part of you to emerge. I have a sneaky suspicion that after five years, that is probably what is going on, no condoning his behavior whatsoever, but if he didn’t know any better and you didn’t know any better – then no harm, no foul – now you know. Now you can make another choice. What it will do for him is that he won’t know who showed up to the dinner table or to the bedroom or on a dinner out because you are going to be embodying this other flavor of the feminine and it is going to turn him on, keep his attention. While for you, it feels fuller, more empowering more alive, to play and discover all of your grandeur.
What I would like to recommend is that you go through my Radiance Curriculum for woman, it’s a dvd. You can also upgrade to two private sessions at a discount, which I do recommend, because it was actually a webinar originally – designed for two private sessions with the six weeks of curriculum. It is 9 hours of curriculum, interviews, and dance practices with some tender love and care from me to go all the way to the core and heal whatever is in the way. You will allow the fullness of you to emerge. I bet you his behavior will change. Making him wrong for it, as validated as you are, is not going to make him change. Inviting him to an even richer relationship, will. That is my recommendation.
I love you to pieces and thank you for your question.