Q: Allana, my boyfriend still talks to his ex. They say they are just friends but it still makes me jealous. Should I give him an ultimatum or should I learn to accept that this is OK? Is it now the norm to keep in touch with your ex’s?
Answer: First, I totally hug you! I can sense how this hurts. I get it. So I wish I could ask you more questions back. Does he talk to her daily? Weekly? Monthly? Every 6-12 months? This makes a difference. I still talk to one to two of my ex’s every few months. Sometimes it’s business stuff, sometimes they actually ask for coaching on their new loves! (one I can do this with, the other I can’t cuz my heart is still fresh so I let him know that with love.)
So it’s time to awaken and really listen to that feminine intuition. Is he talking to her because something’s missing in your relationship that you could work on improving? Is he talking to her cuz she calls all the time and he’s really feeling guilty to saying no? Is he doing it to make you jealous? See, there are SO many questions that require some deeper soul searching, some deeper questions that are underneath the jealousy.
I don’t think it’s average or the norm to keep in touch with your ex’s on a regular basis when you’ve moved on to a new girlfriend. I do think it’s important to tell you boyfriend how it makes you feel from a vulnerable, honest, non-accusatory place. Remind him you never want to control him and you don’t want to be a jealous girlfriend and yet your heart hurts. Be honest about how you feel with as much “I feel” as possible and as little “you” as possible, so he doesn’t get defensive and can listen and be there for you.
When you get really quiet, really in the center of your heart, where all is quiet and calm, ask yourself: Truth: he’s still in love and connected to his ex. What do you notice? Light like truth? Or heavy like false? Keep asking questions until you connect with the energy of the truth of the situation. He may require many flavors of feminine attention, his mom, his ex, you, his sister… or disconnecting with his ex and focusing more on you might scare him yet also set him free to experience a deeper commitment and sacred intimacy that his soul is ready for.
I trust you know in your deepest heart. If me holding space for you will help you calm the spinning and connect to your core knowing, I’d LOVE to connect with you. I offer one time strategy sessions at: www.AllanaPratt.com/strategy for a potent love-life changing hour. You are worth it.
There’s nothing more important than walking your talk and showing up for yourself the way you want the world to show up for you. Value=value. Honor=honor. Commitment=commitment. Heart=heart. I’d be a privilege to be that sacred listening space for you.
For the rest of my beautiful community, if you have a burning question about love, dating or life in general for me, comment below, or ask me on Twitter @AllanaPratt and just use #AllanaQandA.