Handling Family Gatherings After Splitting Up
Question: Coach Allana, I am recently divorced and my family is putting me in a weird situation. They want to keep inviting my ex to family events (including holiday gatherings). We have kids together so I understand to some extent but enough is enough. What happens if she starts dating or I start seeing someone? What do you suggest I do?
Answer: When someone gets a divorce, they normally think it's just them going through it... them and their ex... Or them, their ex and their kids.
It was so strange when my father told me how hard it was on HIM that I got a divorce. And how my divorce was destroying his life. I was incredulous. I had no idea that it bothered him at all. That he was put in a strange place. Then I learned that my ex had been calling him, seeing our son with him without me knowing, and perhaps making my Dad feel torn and trying not to take sides.
I have no idea what's going on behind the scenes in your beautiful life my friend, yet it seems if your family wants to invite your ex to family events, they've decided that's what causes them the greatest peace. They are acting according to their values of perhaps wanting what's best for the kids according to their beliefs. They may have no idea they are not taking the time to consider how you feel. That's pretty par for the course when people are uncomfortable. They react vs respond. They shoot from the hip without slowing down to feel into whether something is for the highest good for all.
As with so many of my almost 200 blogs here at the Good Men Project, conscious communication, brave intimacy and humble allowing seem to be the cornerstone of creating breakthroughs.
Have you told your family how you feel?
Have you told them in a way that acknowledges why they may be acting the way they are?
Have you tried to slow down and understand why they would do such a thing, releasing anything you're taking personally?
Have you made any requests?
Have you taken the time to get clear with what's true inside of your heart about what works for you and what doesn't?
I honor you that you're listening to the discomfort of your soul and reaching out to me... ;-)
Now it's time to take the conversation deeper within and deeper with your family.
Your truth is your truth. Not right, not wrong. Nothing to justify, there's nobody to conquer. Simply choose what you desire and move forward in that direction.
Now this is way easier said than done because we can't create on top of an emotional trigger. So if they're still hurt, pain, shame, anger, betrayal or more going on inside your heart... you won't be able to come from centered grounded peace, clarity and truth. This is where my coaching and healing practices are exquisitely profound. Once the emotional charge has been integrated, you will feel amazingly confident for you reason, deeply at peace without trying... and producing miraculous results in your life with heightened communication skills that are deeply resonant with your truth.
You can do this!
If the conversations with your family don't go according to your best case scenario, don't give up. Sometimes old patterns take a while to shift. Sometimes there are still a few blind spots that need shifting to tip things in a positive flow. If that's the case, please reach out to connect with me for a discounted introductory session at www.AllanaPratt.com/connect so I can help you integrate your emotional traumas or triggers.
This way not only can you live in peace no matter if your ex wife starts dating again or not, you can invite your family into collaborative cooperation with you for the highest good of all AND pave the way for a successful thriving future relationship, inviting in your ideal beloved, because you took the time to do your inner work... and are BETTER for it.
I call that a Noble Badass :-)
Humongous love, Allana
