I have this capacity, a gift I would say. I am highly sensitive. It sure made growing up tough as bullies really hurt my feelings.. and yet my ‘wrongness’ was actually a ‘strongness’ as my friend and colleague Dr. Dain says… my capacity to be highly sensitive to what’s REALLY going on makes me an effective counselor when something as intense as infidelity happens.
9 times out of 10, the infidelity is a symptom of something else going on in the relationship that was unspoken. One or both of the couple was unwilling to communicate when their needs weren’t being met. The couple almost never had a true “here’s the deal” talk about sex when they got together or got married. They didn’t face what would happen if one wanted to have sex with someone else. They just assumed it would never happen, or thought talking about it would MAKE it happen! Exactly the opposite!!! Talking about the deal lets you know what each is expected to provide for the deal to work.
When challenges like losing a job, or having kids or aging and shifts in hormones or libido checks in… is there a deal or plan in place to dance through these shifts and stay intimate, stay connected, stay vulnerable and open to express your needs? Even though it’s uncomfy, to say you want to explore swinging, what if your partner is willing to explore it too? What if your partner is totally fine being sensual, having oral sex, erotic massage, watching porn, etc. yet just doesn’t feel like copulation tonight… yet either they don’t share it or you don’t ask and then NO intimacy happens and eventually someone starts working ‘late.’
Believe me, I wasn’t born this confident to have the uncomfy conversations… it takes courage, practice and a true honoring of yourself that even if you share your truth and it actually ends the relationship, you’re going to be OK…. AND you’ll have honored you and not denied the issue and created drama or pain in the relationship.
The up side is that you courageously share your truth, renegotiate the ‘deal’ and things get stronger, MORE intimate, hotter and more alive… like a second honeymoon…
Having this conversation before you get married is sooo brilliant, yet most couples don’t want to talk about the possibility of having issues… and yet the intimacy and connection that comes from getting clear creates the most outstanding foundation for the most exquisite relationship imaginable, because neither of you push away or hide a part of you… ALL of you show up and create a plan that honors you BOTH!! Talk about setting yourself up to win! Contact me if you’d like to create such a delicious plan… or if you’re on the other side, your heart’s been burned and you need a guide to walk you through the fire to a future that honors you both. Great love, Allana