Archive for My Journal

Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment with Tracy Crossley

I have appeared on a number of podcasts lately but Surviving and Thriving truly hit home.  During my interview, I talked about my own “darkest moment”.

From the interview:

With an alcoholic father and co-dependent mother, Allana grew up looking outside herself for safety. Then, when faced with two premature deaths of loved ones, she saw two paths: shut down or keep an open heart. Her choice for the latter helped Allana through the even darker moments ahead, where she has been able to look for the gift and shine in the face of it all.

Listen to this incredibly revealing podcast here.

Remember, I can’t encourage you to walk your truth, sit in the fire, and live with your heart splayed open if I haven’t done it myself. My journey is your lit path, follow it and trust that I have your back.

All my love,
A.

Tired of Being Misunderstood?

Do you find that you are misunderstood? Is it common that negative opinions are formed based off those misunderstandings?

Here are a few behaviors that may be misconstrued and how to remedy them:

SEEMS ARROGANT (really insecure): When people are in their head thinking about what to say next, thinking about how not to be rejected, thinking on how to manipulate you so you like them… it comes across like they’re not paying attention, that they’re arrogant, that they don’t care… when REALLY they care so much!

SOLUTION: Be present. Stay in the moment. Breathe. Feel your feet on the ground. Listen without being three steps ahead. Just BE THERE and TRUST you’re enough. If they don’t want to date you, hire you, be your friend… that’s OK. It just means you’re not a fit. It’s doesn’t mean you’re wrong, bad or broken. Promise 😉

BEING PRESENT (vs. a people pleaser): Of course we want to make a good impression. Yet when we try TOO hard then we give away our power, say yes when we mean no, or become people pleasers who wear masks to survive.

SOLUTION: Decide that you’re enough. Choose to be a contribution to a situation. Trust that you’re bright enough to stay present to how you’re being perceived. Be courageous enough to ask clarifying questions if you sense they are not ‘getting’ you. Be inquisitive and curious by asking if you’re making sense or if ‘lands’ for them. Focus on being interested not interesting.

As an Intimacy Expert, I define Intimacy as In To Me I See. If there are parts of us we’re ashamed of, want to fix or even HATE about ourselves… we put up masks to hide. Then we can’t connect. Then people misunderstand our intentions. Then we feel separate and even at times… desperately alone.

Be willing to do your inner work to be HOME on the inside so you can be HOME connecting with others.

Hindsight: What I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married

As an Intimacy Expert for the past 18 yrs AND as a real-life twice divorced woman, many have asked me if I knew now what I knew then, would I have still gotten married? Short answer, yes. Long answer, I learned several things by being married, those lessons I would not trade:

HE’S NOT GOING TO HEAL YOUR DADDY WOUNDS: I was in my early 20’s, insecure, impressionable. He was in his early 30’s, tall dark and handsome, multimillionaire. He chose me. I thought I would never do ‘better’. Yet I hid in the closet to meditate cuz he thought that was ‘weird’. I was looking for Daddy’s love, security and attention. No regrets because of all I learned. Yet I tell my clients heal their inner wounds FIRST and you’ll make a mature, grounded and aware choice in a partner.

DON’T GET MARRIED WHEN YOUR MOM IS DYING: I was jaded from the first marriage. Fairytale Disneyland love is bullshit. I just need someone with a checkbook, pulse and working sperm. My heart was so closed in terror of losing my mom to cancer that I was grasping for anything on the outside to make the pain on the inside go away. Got pregnant right away. Divorced within a year. Single motherless mom. Not fun. Again, no regrets because of all I learned, yet I tell my clients to live from an open heart where they can hear their wisdom and act with courage.

CUSTODY BATTLES ARE A REAL POSSIBILITY: I ended up choosing a 2nd husband whose heart was wounded (just like mine) and his way of moving forward to get revenge on me ‘breaking my word to stay with him until death do us part and humiliating him by divorcing him’ has been a decade long custody battle. I’ve lost my home, savings and I’ve almost paid off my $255K legal debt. And while I’ve done my best to be a vibrant, honest, bold, spiritually grounded mom… my 14 yr old son is now living full time with his Dad. My greatest fear came true. He’d win taking him away from me.

While this TOO is another step on my spiritual journey of forgiveness, compassion, trust and self love… I tell my clients to remember that divorce doesn’t necessarily make the issues with the ex go away. It can exacerbate them! So choose wisely 😉 And even if things do get worse with court… you WILL be able to find your voice, be stronger, honor your truth and live with your heart open no matter the circumstances. Your kids will always remember that.

Do I REALLY Need a Life Partner?

As we begin the new year, we make resolutions, promises, declarations to ourselves and the universe. New year, new life, new love, new you. Question is, do we believe all that we declare? Specifically, do we truly need a new love or is loving “You” enough?

There are a few signs to know when a life partner is not right for you:

YOU THRIVE ALONE: Signs that your partner is a contribution to your life, is that all OTHER areas of your life get better. Thus a sign that having a life partner (or THAT life partner) is NOT for you is that when you date/be exclusive/get married, all other areas of your life worsen, fall apart or suffer. Take a bird’s eye view and assess your situation honestly.

YOU’RE RESISTANT/UNWILLING TO MAKE SPACE: Everything in life either lifts you or depletes you. And everyone is wired differently. If you get cranky at the thought of having to share your home, your time, your closet, your money, your vacations, your evenings… then making space for a full time life partner isn’t right for you now, or at all. Honor what’s true for you.

YOUR PRIORITIES ARE ELSEWHERE: Relationships take time, energy, money and focus to thrive. If your priorities are on your career, your spiritual growth, your children as single parent… be bold and courageous enough to honor that and don’t string someone along, use them or lie to yourself just to be socially acceptable if you’re happier going it alone.

So what do you do now?

BE HONEST: Just because you may not desire a life partner, doesn’t mean you don’t desire sex! Be upfront, honest and truthful when meeting people so no one’s heart gets hurt or expectations crushed. Create a solid foundation of authenticity and allow yourself to ask for exactly what you desire: Do you want them to stay over? Do you want to engage in texting/emails/phone calls in-between sexual adventures? Do you desire gifts or public displays of affection when out? Do you require you or them sleeping with only one person at a time or are you OK with many partners at one time?

HONOR YOU: Take regular time to get clear inside with what’s true for you. Then be courageous and noble by communicating these truths to lovers. AND be willing to change your mind as you navigate life without a life partner in your 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and beyond… stay out of conclusion. Stay intimacy connected to YOU. You are amazing, unique… one of a kind 😉

Your Past Relationships are not a Reflection of Your Worth

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After two divorces, it became clear I was attracted to the wrong type of guy. First I was the damsel in distress- that marriage crashed and burned. Second time I decided to be in charge, my way or the highway, failure again- this time as a single motherless mom.

Thus I took on 15 yrs of study & began coaching men and women from around the world on experiencing true intimacy. I have learned one potent key: every relationship is an opportunity for growth and healing, yet it’s up to US if we step up, grow up and soar.

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Why it’s glorious to lose at love

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It shows you where you made them the Source of your life… It reminds you that YOU are the Source of your life and Creation is here to support your dreams…

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