So I didn’t PLAN to let go and start fresh. I PLANNED to have everything under control, look good, have a predictable fabulous life with no uncomfortable surprises only expansive joy… you know, kumbaya and bunny rabbits.
And yet as things went from challenging to atrocious for my son (and me), no amount of trying, working on it, making it happen created the peace I desired in my parenting. When on quiet works, in my dance practice or on early calls with my mastermind or coaches, the quiet whisper of “let go” arose…
I could embrace letting go of my home, I’ll find another. Even letting go of my business, I created one and I would create another. Even a lover, I will meet love again. Yet my son? Let go of my son? My whole identity was made of not only being his mother, but saving him from the horrible example of NOT love with his Dad’s behavior.
And yet as I checked in with my body, my energy… it felt different than when you have a challenge… yet you know it’s for the Good… you know 10 more sittups you’ll reach your goal… you know one more edit through the book and it’s ready for print… a savory delicious challenge that is birthing something magnificent.
No. This was a different challenge. It felt heavy, like I was trying to hold up the Titanic all by myself. And I was beyond exhaustion, I could hardly hear my heart, I could barely sense the Universe having my back. This was my sign to consider letting go… then when my son told his teacher he wanted to kill himself from being in the middle, I jumped.
I know the old me would want to get my perfect little life all situated again with a new place to live, get unpacked, get all organized, create some sense of sanity in my outer surroundings. And yet thank God I knew better than that. My REAL fresh start is in being baptized into a fresh world of creation in communion with the Universe. I am no longer in charge… yes, I am at choice for sure, but not in charge.
I take the time in the redwood forests or beaches to listen to me. I hold the sweet innocent tender sweet ‘me’ in my arms and ask her what she requires. I choose and take action. It either works out or it doesn’t and I choose again, or receive something even better.
I am finding my footing in mid air. I am so surrendered I can SENSE the molecules of the Field having my back. And serendipitous moments let me KNOW I am heard and being responded to. I am humbled beyond belief, no son, no cat, no home, no thing… and a jam packed SUV… yet I am free, alive, out of the war, free of the abuse, empowering my son to choose what works for him, loving sweet courageous me more than ever.
You don’t need to let go of all the things I’ve let go of to have a fresh start. Just notice where you’ve been in a tug of war and with a giggle, notice you’re not winning, just exhausted. Notice it’s the place where you might have to face looking bad, or letting the other think they’re better than you. &*%$ it. Who cares. YOU know the truth, that you are setting YOU free… and then ask for what you want… What would it take for me to have ease here? joy here? creative juices flowing here? magic here?
You have the courage… promise. xoxo A