Allana Pratt, Intimacy Expert, Author, Host, Speaker
Expertise: Intimacy Coaching, Healing Hearts, Conscious Relationships, Dating Advice, Marriage Issues, Healthy Communication, Divorce & Conscious Uncoupling, Parenting & Single Parenting, Feminine Empowerment, Noble Masculinity, Sacred Sexuality, Body Image, Self-Love, Spiritual Awakening
Self-Told Personal Journey
While I grew up well fed, well educated, and nurtured every summer at our cabin at the lake, I saw Mom and Dad fight, so I created a fantasy world with Barbie Dolls and Disney movies. I was convinced that I would be happy when I found The One. I quit college to follow my dreams and was living in Japan as a model, dancer, english teacher and spokesperson. Some of my girlfriends were dating wealthy expats with expense accounts that made my jaw drop. One took a liking to me, a tall dark and handsome multi-millionaire from a Wall Street trading firm.
I remember one of our first dates he said bring your passport and a bikini… next thing I know we’re at the Shangri-La, on a tropical island and I’m overhearing him negotiate his bonus for 1.3. They talk like that about millions. I had no idea why because I had worked my tushie off to save $55,000, but in that moment I decided he must be smarter, more powerful, important, worthy AND right. And I was clearly wrong, less worthy, important or powerful…
My daddy wounds kicked in – wanting my drunk and stoned Dad’s love and attention. I did everything to seek this new man’s approval. And the more I tried to impress him, the worse it got. I couldn’t even cut a vegetable properly without getting reprimanded. I remember sobbing the night before we got married, signing the prenup with a lawyer he provided, horrified that he was already talking about the end before we even began.
Yet instead of leaving, I was insecure and grasping, Don’t fuck this up! You’re finally enough because he chose you!
Never once did I ask myself if I chose him. In fact I didn’t know I GOT to choose too. No shock that after 6 yrs of couples counseling, relationship workshops and moving to the West Coast where I finally found a spiritual community that made me feel normal and not crazy for hiding in the closet to meditate… I left him. And the next day, my Green Card arrived. Talk about jump first and the net will appear!
Clearly after being the Damsel in Distress in marriage #1, I was determined to take my power back for marriage #2; however, I didn’t really grow. I was simply acting out the wounds on the OTHER side of the same coin. My heart was still shut down, behaving overly masculine thinking if I saved a man, then he wouldn’t hurt me.
Mom was dying of cancer and I knew it wasn’t a very enlightened choice but I was really looking for anybody with a nice smile who needed me so they would be nice to me. I wanted to replace the loss of my mother with a marriage and a child and bypass never having to fully feel the pain of losing her.
I found him. The waitress at the trendy hotel bar said “The gentleman would like to buy you an oyster.” We married. Six weeks later my mom passed. The next weekend my sister got married. I decided the best way to get through her wedding was to pretend mom was on a vacation and drank a lot.
Shit got real when we returned to clean up my mom’s condo. And I couldn’t seem to shed the 5 lbs I gained from all the tortillas I’d been eating trying to stuff away my feelings. Yup. I was pregnant. And I couldn’t deny it any longer… my husband was a terribly angry man. The day I gave birth he quit his job and lived off my dead mother’s inheritance. He was looking for the free ride that I knowingly gave him. I thought that would make him nice to me, but instead it was quite the opposite.
I became very afraid of him. I had never met someone vindictive. Eventually, I found the courage to divorce him. We were in and out of court for over 13 years in a brutal, humiliating, financially crushing, emotionally devastating, parentally fucked-up, shit-show custody battle where I lost my home, my savings, went into a quarter of a million legal debt and in the end I gave in and let him have 70% custody.
In all honesty, I attracted a man with a closed heart because my heart was closed, too. Because I didn’t do the work from the first divorce and as we all know, what you resist persists AND grows.
This time I was willing to seek the gifts. I discovered how to heal then open my heart again in the face of anything, how to determine my worth from the inside out no longer seeking approval from men. And at least my son knew the truth and still loved me.
That was until the evening they pulled into my driveway. My son said to the best of my memory, “Dad was right, he showed me your emails and you ARE crazy. I’m living with him now and don’t get in my way or I’ll call the police on you.” By this point he was 13 years old, 6’1” on his way to 6’4”. He took the guitar I had scraped together to buy for him, and the stuffed bear that he’d had since he was 1 week old.
And then they drove away. I collapsed on the cold granite floor. There were no more tears.
I found a cabin in the middle of nowhere. I sat on the huge deck overlooking paradise and asked Mother Earth to heal me. Two coaches from 12 years prior resurfaced. I eventually learned how to own that I am my ex and my ex is me.
Our wounds matched. I was just as angry as him, I would just take it out on myself or be passive aggressive. I could see from his point of view how he felt completely justified to take me down and never see our son again according to his values. I could sense underneath his revenge was a wounded little boy devastated that I rejected him. From his point of view I was the vindictive one who had once offered to love him forever, then had publicly divorced and humiliated him.
I could also see that my son was doing his best to create peace given his hellish upbringing of social services visits, evaluators, judges, lawyers, horrible birthday parties with his victim mom and revengeful dad.
I believe on some level he sensed he could reject me, because he knew I would never reject him. I learned to forgive him and I also forgave myself. I was unwilling to make my son feel guilty for his choice and I was unwilling to bash myself any longer. I surrendered.
After 6 months of radio silence, he called. He said he didn’t know any other way to create peace between us. He knew I’d be okay on my own. This was his way of protecting me from more threats and court battles. He asked me not to insist on my legal rights, not to see him, not to be on the school emails, to totally let go and let Dad win. I complied. If you’re a parent you understand that your child’s thriving is more important than your own preferences or looking good.
We see each other from time to time for facials, a haircut and hamburgers at his favorite joint. We speak secretly yet regularly. What’s beautiful is that he calls when it really matters, when he needs sound advice, straight talk and unconditional love with zero judgment. We’ve never been closer. We’ve never experienced so much peace.
It’s been several years since police officers have pounded on my door late at night. I sleep deeply. The emotional triggers of guilt, anger and unfairness are gone. I’m grateful for all his Dad provides. I’m completely debt-free learning much about money management, investments and becoming a savvy entrepreneur valuing my worth. I understand letting go and embody the gift in challenges. I choose to co-create with the Universe for my highest evolution. I source my worthiness from the inside out no matter what my circumstances look like. I savor quality not quantity with my son.
Now I provide a safe, shame free, unconditionally loving progressive space for my clients to heal their traumas, shift their situations and finally be free. Free to create the life they desire. Free to have those tough conversations and speak their truth. Free to let go of the grasping for safety, approval or control, and rest into true co-creation with the Universe because they have cultivated coherence in their heart and harmony with the world.
And while I’m a hot mess when it comes to cooking, I now am more than a successful master coach. I am a unique spark of evolution itself, here to give my genius to my unique corner of humanity. And you are too. Fist pump, slap your ass, snuggle and a hug, deliciously, Allana xox
Good Morning LaLa Land
Allana joins Good Morning LaLa Land and shares her insight on relationships, intimacy, and vulnerability.
Braveheart Women TV
“Sexy Mom” expert Allana Pratt shares tips on how to be a sexy mom and woman no matter how busy your life maybe!