Monthly Archives: April 2011

Feeling Sexy When We’re Lonely

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There are two kinds of lonely that I’ve experienced.

Empty lonely is when you spin in your head, can’t stop thinking about him/her, can’t eat, feel in despair, can’t seem to find a reason to be happy, convinced no one will ever love you again, question yourself about what you did wrong, run scenes over and over in your head of how you could have done things differently…all so you wouldn’t be lonely right now! Complete resistance to what is. Turning to drugs, drinking, shopping, overworking, one nighters, ANYTHING to make this bottomless pit of loneliness go away.

Not very sexy. We come across needy, clingy, labled as low self esteem, get defensive easily and are huge people pleasers.

This was me to a “T” for years until the pain was so bad I looked for another way.

What I discovered was that this kind of lonely was ‘fed’ by looking outside myself to fill the Void in my heart. And it didn’t work, seeking outside made things worse. Frankly I didn’t know what else to do. People said love yourself from the inside but I didn’t get how to do that so I spun in my head MORE, making me feel worse so I just stopped it all.

Fine.

No seeking.

I’ll just do nothing. I honestly thought what’s the point of living then? I had never tasted such despair. The dark night of the soul is just like that. Worse than anything (which is why I absolutely love to hold someone’s hand going through it as a coach, I can’t fix or change or heal anything, I just love them in the darkness, and my Faith helps reveal the light because I KNOW there is light at the end of it all)

I can’t say the exact moment where I knew there was Light on the inside, Love on the inside. It was a series of moments of Grace through various workshops, meditation retreats, sacred dance classes, end of a yoga workshop and even playing with my son when a tenderness beyond description has descended upon me. It’s like my edges dissolved.

ahhh… I”m crying as I write this in such humble gratitude for these moments…

Yes, it feels like an amoeba like invisible presence enters my body, my cells, through to eternity inside and transports me into bliss. Not like an orgasm, that’s honestly nothing compared to this and I love orgasms.

It’s Grace in action in my body.

I feel Home.

I know I’m not alone.

It’s not found in this world, you can’t buy it or even make it happen.

It seems to come if I’ve prepared the space, opened, truly prayed, yearned authentically and it most definetly has to do with taking time for me, loving me, nurturing me.

I’ve never ever felt that horrible despair again for I know who I truly am.

Even though I’d prefer a hunky man in my bed tonight, in my aloneness I’m not lonely.

I yearn, I dream, I visualize, I sometimes even have an ache for him… yet I”m not empty and thus I’m radiant, alive and in my estimation sexy. Authentic expression is sexy. Truth is sexy. Being real is sexy. Touching and knowing our core is Divine.

Thank you God, Goddess, All that Is for gifting me with your Grace to keep me going, to sustain me, to fill me so as to give to others and love them as they too awaken.

Blessings, deliciously yours, Allana

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Using Seduction as a Manipulation

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I really thought I was kind of alone in being a female coaching men in intimate relationships. I’ve heard of one and have reached out to collaborate- nothing. I found another today and was honestly saddened that she was dressed in lingerie on her site promoting her coaching to men.

Now of course I enjoy flirting big time and showering my praise on amazing men reminding them of their noble existence, but this woman’s site made me sad and even a wee angrey that she seemed to be straight up using her seduction in the realm of coaching- a profession I take so very seriously.

I feel protective of men who have been emasculated, who are timid, who are lonely and so desperatetly want a good woman to love. They are tender, precious souls (as are my sisters on the planet who have been betrayed of course) and I sure as hell hope she provides a valuable service.

As I think about it, I”ve learned from various Trainings the high degree to which NLP, psychology and down right manipulation is taught to get us to run to the back of the room to buy thousand dollar products with money we don’t have.Yuck.

In fact, this is really no different than ALL the manipulation my colleague Eldon Taylor speaks of in his latest book “What If”.

I’m sure cars were draped in gorgeous women at the Car Show in NYC this past weekend.

Hell I’ve even handed out flyers at Big Machine Tradeshows. Granted I was dressed professionally yet I was hired for my radiance.

I guess life has always been like this and yet my Mother Bear comes alive when I think of the magnificent men I’ve had the honor of coaching being treated anything less than noble… makes my fur stand on end.

Sex can be such a gorgeous, healthy, fulfilling, nourishing, life giving, stress relieving, spiritually connecting sacred act that when it’s used as a manipulation to make our young 10 yr old girls dress like 18 yr olds, or girl bikini’s have padded bras… I get pissed.

And so I Be The Change I Want To See.

And I invite you to do the same.

Deliciously yours, Allana

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Are Any of You New Dads?

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Dear sleep deprived heroes,

 

According to Health and Science April 1st issue, fathers
as with mothers, can suffer from postpartum depression,
which negatively affects how they treat their infants.
7% of men have suffered from MAJOR depression since their child’s birth.

 

They were 4x more likely to spank, 1/2 as likely to read to them.
And while 80% of Dad attend the babies’ wellness check ups,
the Dr’s don’t put DAD on the radar for a check in.
While you know I’m not a Dr., I do support a lot of new couples
to help get their intimacy back on track once the little one
(or ones) arrive.

 

The main cause seems to be that men feel inadequate, in the way,
not helpful, all thumbs, if the mom is nursing, they can’t bond
with the child and feel left out, unappreciated or praised by
the mother simply because she’s scared too! She’s sleep deprived
too! She may have boobs but also feels all thumbs at how to calm
the child. And she many times is just as empty and needing of
appreciation and praise as the Dad is.

 

Solution?

 

First creating short yet regular times to connect, to touch.

 

A hug.

 

A moment of praise.

 

A moment of acknowledgment.

 

Believe it or not, giving that which we don’t have actually
results in the experience of having it.
This is especially true when the parents BOTH engage in self
care, self nourishing practices.
A simple walk around the block.
Connect with a friend.
Engage in your favorite past time for 30 minutes.
Accomplish something small and give yourself great praise for it.

 

Lastly, in my experience as a coach, depression is usually hiding
unexpressed anger.
In a healthy way with a therapist, coach like me, or even out in
nature (not at one another) let your anger be expressed.
It’s energy and needs somewhere to go.
Even journaling a hate letter (then burning it of course) can
do wonders for releasing stuck anger, lift the depression and give
you the boost to reconnect, focus on the good, tell your truth,
express your needs, praise one another and create a new groove
that works for you relationship as lovers and parents.

 

Deliciously yours, Allana
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